some good ones there Graham

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Q. What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas dinner?

A. Twerky

HaHa loved all the jokes especially the Paddy joke....hello everyone and happy Christmas!

Hello to you Mike. There's lots more where that one came from.

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

--------------

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone, I have decided to abandon the idea - and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant

???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???????

Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards

?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

I don't know whether this one will get past the censor but here goes anyway:

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.

BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.

'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'

'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!"

It's Christmas Eve and a husband and wife are merrily shopping when the husband disappears. So the wife rings him on his mobile to find out where he is. The husband replies Darling do you remember that jewellery shop we went in 8 years ago this Christmas, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? It broke my heart that I simply couldn't afford it then, but I promised you that one day I would get it for you & that it would mean so much more to you because it would show you that I still loved you just as much as I did then? With tears in her eyes she managed to reply in a soft trembling voice, 'Yes darling I remember' 'Well' he said 'I'm in the pub next door to that shop....'

Just a thought a bout the state of the economy

The UK is in DEEP trouble...


The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work..

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting in Afghanistan and keeping us safe.

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. That leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your a**e at your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own ?

Kiltman HT Mod wrote:

:rofl

Just a thought a bout the state of the economy

The UK is in DEEP trouble...


The population of this country is approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work..

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting in Afghanistan and keeping us safe.

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. That leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your a**e at your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own ? :tongue

True, but would you really have it any other way?

I know I wouldn't!

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and gives a holler for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one cowboy.

"Well", replies the sheriff. "He's sportin' a brown paper hat, wears a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.


"......Rustlin'," says the lawman.

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

Had a good laugh at a lot of them and also enjoyed Miss pinks verse

Linda

This one had me in hysterics .......

If you didn't see this on the Tonight Show, I hope your sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!! We have all had bad dates, but this one takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had. The woman described her worst first date experience.

There was no question as to why this took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold .. and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight) They were strangers afterall, and had never met before. The outing was fun and relatively uneventful until they were heading home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she shouldn't have had that extra latte!! They were about half an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she tried to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because because of the heavy snow and slow going, there became a point here she told him that he had better stop and left her go beside the raod, or it would be the front seat of the car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the oung lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was uickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrifed by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concern about 'what is taking so long' with a rreply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance.

He came round the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get here free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter she too the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down' And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment ... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being p..sed off'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the leno Show.