Heres a few CRACKERS

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve

[center]Christmas Angel[/center]

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods by know.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"



Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping into your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The other man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:


Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man or this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!'

Thought this was quite good

this is a rude joke

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your bloomin hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

An Aussie guy went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local, to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “Sally, I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I toldher, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

“That was the easy part. I went to Boots and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive"

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....

'Your house'

That auto correct feature can be very helpful on your phone,
OR it can be very embarrassing
Contains some adult humour, you have been warned
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/the-most-concerning-autocorrect-fails-of-all-time?bffb&s=mobile

the 2nd date on made me laugh out loud, I really do hope that was real.