I believe all my criminal record history is stored on that.
Whatever is stored on the chip is also there on your passport in plain text to be read. So unless you can see your record printed on it it ain't there.
Your offences - the theft in particular - mean that you are not eligible to enter the US. What you are required to do is apply for a visa (for which you are not actually eligible) and the Embassy may apply to Washington for a 'waiver of ineligibility' on your behalf. They may also require you to have a medical examination to prove you are not an alcoholic, given the drinks charge.
I'd say there is a chance (wouldn't like to say how big) that you'd be declined a visa outright.
Whether you can lie on the VWP form and still get in is a moot point. In the past it was certainly possible but information sharing is on the increase. They can certainly access your record if they need to but I'm not sure it's immediately accessible at the point of entry just from your passport details. They do have some sort of index of undesirables, etc, but exactly what it contains is a grey area.