Love it Glynis

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Irish sausages?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

A meerkat goes to the doctor for advice. "Tell me doctors , I awaken this mornings with this rashes all over my face. I wonder how difficult it is for diagnosis with all this fur and whiskers" ?

The doctor takes a good look and announces...

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"Pimples!"

An elderly man in Aberdeen calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough for anyone!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New York and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The canny old Scot hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Please have a Merry Christmas by following the simple rules below sent by HSE!

Anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year's well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R T Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R T Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines as set out by the Inland Revenue and all gifts must be registered for tax purposes. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Child Services has been advised and will be arriving someday.

Cheers

Love it and sent it on its merry way to spread some laughs further afield.

How to cook a turkey ....

1. Go buy a turkey
2. Take a drink of whiskey (Scotch) or JD
3. Put turkey in the oven
4. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
7. Turn oven the on
8. Take 4 whisks of drinky
9. Turk the bastey
10. Whiskey another bottle of get
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
14. Take the oven out of the turkey
15. Take the oven out of the turkey
16. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
17. turk the carvery
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch
19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out

sounds like my Christmas dinner!

Great stuff, keep 'em coming

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked "what are all these clocks?"

St Peter answered "Those clocks are lie-clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move"

....."Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's" replied St Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible" said the man, "And whose clock is that one?"

St Peter replied " That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice telling us that Abraham told only 2 lies in his entire life"

"Where's David Cameron's clock?" asked the man.

St Peter replied "We are using it as a ceiling fan"

Best one yet Pat

This one had me in tears, and I hope it doesn't offend anybody as it isn't my intention:)

This apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office ...

"Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my Passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satallite dish from them back in 1977, and yet the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving licence, my car insurance, and on the last 8 damn passports I've had.

On all these stupid custom declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my morther's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!

I apologise, I'm really pi**ed off this morning. You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal tosspots working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sake, I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. and would somebody please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last bloody people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another copy of m birth certifiate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issue of a new passport the same day?

Noooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, than have to find some arsehole to confirm it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where were not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic, bleeding morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because were totally pi**ed off!!

signed

An Irate Citizen

ps Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ..... I have served in the Military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearance over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND BLOODY RAISED IN PAKISTAN"

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you so much and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just this once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, just this one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."